Our little Star

We had a tragedy in our family, we miscarried our third child. We were thrilled and scared at the thought of three kids, but toasted our good fortune to the newest addition. Then 8 very short weeks later, the baby was gone. We've had terrific support from our family and friends but at some point that support now seems suffocating. I just want to scream at people when they tell me how sorry they are. Of course you are sorry, you'd be a monster not to be. I know that there is nothing else they can say and have been on the opposite side with nothing to say. And that knowledge keeps me from flying off the handle, but the anger inside me is bubbling over. Yes, I am angry. I'm angry that my body failed this baby or genetics failed this baby ("chromosomes not connected to support life" I believe the doctor said) or the world of science failed this baby or God took the blessing back.... No matter what the cause, I AM ANGRY! We had plans. We had names. We were happy. Now we are just sad and empty. Yes, we will get through this and Yes, we will be stronger for it and No, there's nothing you can do for us and No, we do not need any more pep talks or sorrys.... I'm sorry too. I'm very sorry. I miss you little star. For a brief moment this morning I thought it was all a bad dream. Until we meet again Little Star, May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

It's a New Year!

Ok - I survived the holidays... Crazy whirlwind of visiting family, husband home from training, Santa arriving, followed with a birthday party for the kids and a mini-New Year's party for me. I'm exhausted and am actually happy to get back to a normal routine. Though I miss not having to wake up to the alarm.

So where do we go from here? My husband will be finishing up the first part of his training in less than a month and will finally be home for a more regular schedule... YIPPEE! Not sure what this year is going to bring for the rest of us. I'm trying to focus on small goals. Perhaps a mini-vacation?

Haeleigh is going to be a flower girl in a wedding in June. Not quite sure how well that will work out - she's a bit shy... but we shall see. Either way - she's going to look absolutely adorable! Now I just need to find a suit for Rhyse... there's a challenge!

I hope that this year provides some good blogging material... I've decided that I'm going to try to tackle the extra baby weight and try to prep for next year's high school reunion... I don't know that I'm going yet or even if there will be one - but I need a goal and really want to get in better shape to keep up with the kids. So we shall see how that goes. I did pretty well eating-wise today... though had an extra Starbucks treat and fast food for dinner.... so... maybe not so good. Well, there's always tomorrow!!!

My Christmas Wish List

So as I read a friend's blog, I realize that I'm no where near as witty or funny as she is in her writing. And that leads me to think of all the things I wish I had talent in...

I wish I could dance. Well, not just dance, but classical or ballet or ballroom or salsa, ok - I really mean just dance. In my mind's eye, I have grace and poise, but in reality I'm clumsy and can barely walk straight. I've walked into my share of walls. Last week, actually!

I wish I could sing. My mother and sister have truly beautiful voices... I, however, am a frog who can't follow a tune. I do make myself laugh in the car however. And so far, the kids aren't complaining... though I know that will change.

I wish I could write. I love a good book that keeps me spinning until the end. I keep thinking that the next great novel exists inside my head... but reality again keeps my feet firmly planted on the ground.

I wish I was inspired to draw or paint. I'm not half bad as an artist, but I'm so busy in the daily life of being a working mom that I don't have any energy left.

That also leads to I wish I was more active. Better at sports, better at working out, stronger, faster, younger... I wish I liked working out as well. I'd love to have a better body and be in better shape. I worry about keeping up with the kids as they get more active.

I wish I had kept better track of my friends. Life has gotten completely in the way. I've lost more friends than I can count - not really had a falling out, just misplaced them somewhere. I miss them terribly.

I wish that life was easier. This year we came inches away from losing everything we'd worked so hard to obtain. We'll be digging out of this hole for a very long time. I wish we could have a small windfall to take that worry off my plate.

So when I look at my life, I'm stressed to the max, crazy busy between work, the kids, the house, the pets and squeezing in family and friend time. I pray that 2010 will be a better year and we will be healthy and happy. Perhaps it will also bring a new addition to our growing family, or perhaps this is the way our family should be... To everyone who takes a moment to read the inner workings of my brain.... thank you! I hope that your New Year brings you all that you hope and "wish" for. I am thinking of you, even when I don't say so. May God bless us all! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Sorry I've been away...again...

So I look back on my blog to realize it's been much longer than I thought since I posted. The past 5 months have brought on stress and craziness that I never would have anticipated. My husband was able to find work, though states away in IL. I've been working full-time and taking care of everything at the house by myself. I pray that this will end soon, as my husband is trying to get into the Secret Service and finally put an end to his traveling. I bounce back and forth from feeling empowered to depressed. I've enrolled the kids in daycare 4 weeks ago, and we're still in a transition phase that they are not adjusted to it yet. It's been so hard to leave my daughter screaming and crying and return to find her in the same state. I cling to the hope that I will be able to return to being a stay-at-home mom once Shawn gets a fulltime job with benefits, but deep down I know that that is probably more of a fantasy than reality. Adult life is not what I'd thought it would be....

So here I've landed...

Today I accepted a full time position with the company that I've been temp'ing for. I'm not really sure how I feel about it. There are many positives with the position; nice people, great benefits, flexible schedule, etc. Of course it brings negatives as well, a 45 min commute and a 30% cut in pay. And the biggest is leaving the kids. I'm hoping that the flexible schedule makes it easier on me and gives me more time with the kids - we'll see how well it works out in the next few weeks. It's so difficult working full time and so far from the house. Half the time i leave before they get up in the morning and by the time I get home they are tired and cranky. The two days over the weekend is just too short to enjoy the limited time I get. Of course it's been raining here for over a week and that is just adding to my depression. As much as I love my family, the "pep" talks they feel are necessary to give me just add to my downfall. I'm tired of hearing how great it is to get out of the house and how wonderful it is that I have this job. Its not that I don't think this job is a great opportunity for me. I do, but I wish that I can have my cake and eat it too....

Oh where am I going?

Today I spent the day pouring over a company's financials trying to piece together an income statement. 7 hours with my butt stuck in a chair and hunched over a computer keyboard....not the highlight! I enjoyed parts of it - kind of like a puzzle to be put together - but for the most part I just longed to be with the kids. My boss told me that he's pleased with the progress I've given him, but I have to admit that I feel like I really didn't do anything. I've been fighting a deep depression over our financial situation for the past few weeks. I so want to be everything all at once. I want to be the awesome mom, who's there for the kids for every first. I want to show my daughter it's great to be a strong woman and having a good career can be rewarding as well. I want to travel and see what the world (even just our small corner of it) has to offer. I still feel after 35 (almost 36) years that I just don't have a path to follow. I just wish I could go to sleep and wake up with all the answers.

Update

Wow - I'm afraid that my posting does not bring any happier news. It's now April, we're still hanging on to the house by the skin of our teeth. I have a temporary job lined up for a week next week, but nothing after that and it's not enough to ease our suffering. Today, I received a scam lottery winning that for a brief moment had me thinking that a miracle happened and we were going to be ok. My husband passed the exam for the Secret Service and that is progressing, however it's a long drawn out process. I was able to pay our tax bill, but we've come to the end of the line on the mortgage. I pray everyday that something will break for us. I so don't want to re-enter the working world right now, I've really enjoyed being a stay-at-home mom. I dread next week! We've been blest with friends and family who have added us to their prayer list. Oh may this drought come to an end! I am grateful for my husband. Throughout this stressful time, our marriage is a rock. We are surely being tested and continue to pass!!!